Happy 2022! I've taken a break from the blog for a little bit, to spend time with my family over Christmas, but I've missed writing. I have so many ideas swimming around in my mind that sometimes it takes me a little while to settle down, organize, and get some content down on the screen.
I thought I'd start today with some ideas about building your community because every year around this time I start thinking about friendship. When I was in high school, I had a fantastic group of friends. There were five of us who did almost everything together, and it was so easy. We never had to plan much because we knew whatever we would be doing, it would be together. We had other friends, of course, but the five of us were a core group that we could bounce out of and back into without friction. I miss those days. It seems so much harder to make good friends now, as an adult. Actually, it's easy and challenging at the same time. I make friends quickly, but forming deep, strong relationships just isn't like it used to be. Maybe it's the hustle and bustle of being a parent to little kids, maybe it's the busyness of adult life. Whatever it is, I'd love it to change. I like having a best friend, and a group of people I know I can always count on for a glass of wine, laughs, and family activities.
I've learned that it is incredibly important to have at least one person to lean on, especially while raising a child with a rare disease. Of course, B and I have a strong relationship. He makes me laugh when I'm stressed, listens when I need to vent frustrations, hugs me while I cry, and supports everything that I do. But I still like having a friend or two, outside of my family, that I know will rally around me when I need a pick me up, pull me out of my anxiety-created hermit shell, and simply ask me how I'm doing. Someone who understands my journey, but is also far enough removed from it to let my mom-who's-always-in-the-thick-of-cerebral-palsy stay in the background, for just a little while. A variety of supportive avenues is crucial to keeping me upright, and if you're looking to build your own community of cheerleaders, comforters, sanity-keepers, or besties, here are some tips that can help (you AND me):
1) Be open about who you are and what you struggle with. Depending on the kind of person you are, this tip will either cause you to roll your eyes or cringe. This tip is easy for me because I am an open book, but many people are not. I will talk to almost anyone and I have no problem sharing details about my life, good or bad. Of course, you should always be "who you are," but when you are raising a child with a rare disease or complex medical needs, sometimes it feels safer to hold things back. There's no risk of judgement or misunderstanding from someone you meet, and there is no internal debate about what you should or should not reveal, when you keep it all inside. Many times I have wondered whether I should mention Buster has cerebral palsy/a rare disease/a brace/whatever else is on the list, but I have been rewarded more times than burned when I have been open. It's difficult to tell what a person is going through when only looking from the outside, but I have bonded with countless parents who divulged to me that they, too, have a child with a medical condition. It not only brings me a sigh of relief, but I feel instantly closer to that person because they "get it." One of my close friends has a daughter Buster's age, with an entirely different medical condition, but we understand each other's pain, joys, hope and stress on the same level. We have so many common experiences and feelings, even though our children have different needs. I know it can be scary to let your guard down and allow people in, but building a community of people who support you need to know what you're facing. And they may need you, as well!
2) Create a club or group. One of my strengths is bringing people together. Start a book club? No problem! Gather the neighborhood ladies for a girls' night? I'll handle it! Keeping the momentum up is another story, but I can always get people together initially ;) I love to be included, and I love to include other people. As I mentioned, I often reflect about friendship and "finding my people," and I finally realized that I needed to stop waiting for someone to invite ME, so I invited THEM. Think about something you enjoy doing, and invite a few friends or acquaintances to join you. Meetup.com can be a fun way to do this, or send out a text/email/direct message to people you think would be fun. Maybe you can all try a new activity together, or if you have a talent not many know about, teach them something! And then use tip #1---be open about yourself. Start deeper conversations and see what lights them and you up.
3) Find a job. Now, this may not be possible for everyone, I understand, but keep reading for alternative options. I used to teach high school English, and I made some of the best friends while I taught. My colleagues and even my students were my own, separate community that was just...mine. I am a mom, and a wife, but I am also a teacher. And that last part makes me feel like there is something else important about me. I know the other parts are important, but I started teaching before I met my husband and before I had children, so it has always been a part of who I am. Right now I am long-term substitute teaching, part time, where my children go to school, and I have found another community that helps keep my mood up. I have a different purpose for part of the day, and I am meeting new people every time I step into the building. It's glorious! It keeps my mind off of my worries about Buster, and allows me freedom to be someone else for a little bit. If you are not able to work because you are a full-time caregiver, or if it's not possible to work outside of the home, there are other options: with all of the negative elements COVID-19 has brought along, there are some positives, in terms of employment. Many companies are entirely remote now, and many offer part-time or flexible work hour options. I have been an ambassador for an accessories and beauty company, and many of my colleagues there I have never met in person! But there is a large online community of ambassadors that interact daily...sometimes even hourly, depending on your level of interest in engagement. Many of them are even open about the fact that they are working to help pay for their children's medical bills (again, loop back to tip #1!), and we have connected about that. Instant community, regardless of the others' location.
4) Volunteer. Again, maybe this isn't possible if you are not able to leave the home for very long (or at all) due to care taking responsibilities. However, many organizations offer different ways for you to support their needs. Virtual meetings, galas, committees, seminars, etc. are taking place more than ever. Right now I volunteer for two children's hospital boards, because their causes speak to me. I can help other parents, families and caregivers with a difficult health journey? Yes, please! I have been attending meetings virtually and in person, depending on the level of safety precautions taken by the hospital system. Working with other parents who have children with medical needs has not only allowed me to expand my friend circle, but it has also provided me an opportunity to learn about other children's and parents' experiences. I am able to relate to them easily because of this common ground, and that makes me feel like a part of a community immediately. Even if I do not socialize with any committee members outside of our scheduled meeting times, I at least have those hour long working sessions with like-minded people.
5) Find a hobby. I know. Again, so simple, and probably so challenging at the same time. I remember, a few years ago, when I told my mother I needed a hobby to take my mind off the stresses of parenthood. She thought I was nuts. "THIS is your job, right now. Your focus is the children, while they are little, as hard as that is right now," she told me. And yes, that is accurate. Their well-being, and the raising of them is my main responsibility right now. But, I still need to take care of myself because I cannot be a strong, patient, kind, or effective parent if I do not have my mental health under control. I need outlets, to recharge. Luckily, I have a husband who pushes me to pursue what I want. Two summers ago, at my husband's encouraging, I took up tennis. I hadn't played, seriously, since high school, and even then, I was an alternate on the team. I decided to join a ladies' beginner drill, and I am now OBSESSED with tennis. I hardly liked it growing up, but it has become so. much. fun! I have met some wonderful women through the class, and they have turned into the most supportive and best friends I have. I enjoy the workout and the strategy in playing matches, but most of all, I have loved getting to know other women who like playing. We socialize and play friendly matches, and get to know each other in between games. We stay and grab cocktails or coffee and bond over a variety of things---kids, schools, books, etc. When I first started, there was a large group of women and we all socialized. Then, over the last two summers, it has whittled down a bit, due to other responsibilities, moves, new jobs and other conflicts, but the core group I play with has blossomed into something I never knew it could be. I absolutely adore them, and they have shown me kindness and understanding when I shared Buster's journey, and they are my sunshine on my gloomy days. Some of them were even the first subscribers to this blog :) Tennis has been a new joy in my life and I cannot go without it.
I know there are many, many other ways to build community, but these things are what have helped me start to curate a good group. My friends' interests run the gamut, and that is partially because I have tried to meet people wherever I am. I put myself out there on a regular basis, and I see what sticks. I'd love to know what has worked for you. How have you tried to find your people? What suggestions do you have for others trying to do the same? Please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!
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